


My shadow is killing me (come and rescue me)

by Twykad



Series: Of Shadowhunters and a glittery Warlock [15]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Some Fluff, poor Jace, this is very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-13 05:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9109291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twykad/pseuds/Twykad
Summary: During a mission, things go wrong and a tragic accident happens, Jace must lives with it now.





	1. Accident

 

The battle against the raveners was raging and Jace was starting to regret that only he and his parabatai were there for the mission. They could need back up. He didn’t want a dying-parabatai 2.0 and Alec wouldn’t call Magnus after what had happen last time the warlock had came with them. They were doing quite well though and the rare injuries they had was nothing an iratze couldn’t take care of. He cut off a demon with his seraph blade when he saw it: a kid, around his late adoptive little brother’s age, with his mom not far behind him walking happily. The little boy was holding some take-home bag, showing that they must had ate out tonight. But they were advancing right toward the demons and soon enough a demon saw them and started moving fast to reach the child. Jace heard Alec screaming his name followed by the word “mundanes” and he hurried. He needed to protect them but the demon was nearer than he was and he had to push the kid, as he impaled the demon so the latter wont kill him. A horrified scream from both Alec and the kid’s mom made him realised what he had just done: he had pushed the kid on the road, and before he could have do anything, the night bus had hit the boy.

 

***

 

Time was suspended for a moment. The world had slow down, even for Alec who had seen everything. He looked at his parabatai who was so shocked he didn’t even blink. Alec was snapped back in the real world when the last ravener’s claw pierced his arm. He hissed in pain before planting his seraph blade in the demon, reducing him to ashes. He quickly applied an iratze, thankful that the ravener hadn’t stung him. He then ran to his parabatai, who was pale as death, looking at the mother who was screaming and crying, holding her dead son. The bus conductor had called an ambulance, but everyone knew it was too late already. When Alec put his hand on the blond shadowhunter, the latter startled then looked at him with teary eyes.

 

“Come on, I’m taking you at the loft.”

 

As there was no reactions from Jace, Alec grab his arm and guided him outside the alley and called Magnus.

 

***

 

Magnus was nervous, Alec had promised to be careful but he was still worried since only two of the shadowhunters had gone to the mission. When his phone buzzed he almost jump on it and answered as he saw Alec’s ID, his heart dropping and his stomach curling on an uncomfortable knot. Alec didn’t usually call him; it always meant something went bad.

 

“Alec?” He asked carefully.

“Magnus.” It was Alec’s voice and the warlock couldn’t help feeling relieved. “There was… An accident, can you portal Jace and I to the loft?”

“Are you okay? Is Jace okay?”

“More or less.” The shadowhunter answered after a torturous silence. “I will explain to you when we’re there.”

 

Magnus wanted to protest, but didn’t, he sighed and summoned the portal.

 

***

 

Jace didn’t even realised they had gone to the loft, he was in a daze, and he felt lost. The scene was replaying over and over again in his head; the mother’s scream still ringing in his mind.

 

“Jace, sit down…” Alec’s muffled voice said.

 

He felt himself being gently pushed on the couch. There had been so much blood…so much blood on the floor from such a tiny body.

 

“What happened?” he heard Magnus ask.

“The demon was about to hurt a kid, Jace pushed the boy to protect him… But he fell on the road… The bus hit him.” Alec explained pain in his voice.

 

And there was the scene, happening before him again: the awful klaxon, the awful noise when it made contact with the child, the horrified screams. Before he even knew it, he was crying and sobbing in Alec’s arms.

 

***

 

Magnus had slapped his hand to his mouth. It was an accident but also a terrible tragedy, and watching Jace, the cocky blond shadowhunter he loved to bicker with so broken made his heart ache. He didn’t know what to do and just stared at the pair of parabatai, Alec caressing the blond hair, trying to sooth him. His fiancé looked up at him, despair in his blue eyes.

 

“I’m going to make some tea.” The warlock murmured. “Camomile tea should calm him a bit…” He sighed softly “Jace, do you want me to call Clary?”

 

Jace shook his head strongly sobbing a “she can’t know.” Magnus nodded. It would be better if she did know but he wouldn’t force his fiancé’s parabatai. He will tell his wife when he’ll feel ready. For now, he had to recover from his shock.

 

***

 

“Jace, Jace look at me.” Alec said cupping his parabatai face. “It’s not your fault, it was accident.”

 

Jace shook his head.

 

“You wanted to save him, you were in hurry…”

“I killed him…”

“Jace…”

“I killed him, Alec, I killed a kid… I killed a kid, I’m a murderer… I-“

“Jace! Listen to me!”

 

Jace shut his mouth and Alec sighed, it was heartbreaking to see Jace like that. Jace who was always so composed, except when it was about Clary but still, he was the most composed.

 

“It was an accident, you’re not a murderer, Jace, you were trying to rescue him, you were doing your job.”

“But-“

“It was an accident, accidents happen, and they hurt, but it wasn’t your fault.”

 

Jace burst into tears and sobs again, Alec wiping his tears as they fell.

 

“We’ll call Clary, and we’ll tell her you’re sleeping at the loft tonight, are you okay with that?”

 

Jace nodded in his hands then leant into Alec’s comforting touch, letting his tears roll on their skin.

 

“I’m here for you Jace, I will not let you down and I’ll tell you again and again that it wasn’t your fault until it gets into your head.”

 

***

 

The way Alec was taking care of Jace moved Magnus deep in his soul. His fiancé was truly an angel. How many people would have blamed the other shadowhunter for he hadn’t been careful enough and too much in hurry? How many wouldn’t have seen it at an accident only and lecture Jace despite the fact he was shaken up? But Alec was actually supporting him, comforting him and most importantly, he wasn’t putting any guilt on the blond shadowhunter. Alec knew as horrifying those accidents were, they could happen. He knew that, sometimes, they’re all ruled by too much adrenaline sometimes, losing their focus trying to reach their goal. Magnus didn’t blame Jace either. He understood the young man too. It had happen to him too, this kind of accident, and he could tell no one ever completely get over it, Jace will not be exception. But eventually, he could make peace with himself and live with it, wearing this scar on his heart, but not feeling so ashamed anymore, just as the warlock did. And Magnus decided: if he could, he would help him.

 

***

 

It was long before Jace finally calmed down from sobbing. He had drank the camomile tea Magnus had hand him and highly suspected the warlock to have put something else that the actual tea when he felt his muscle relaxing a bit. He was now staring at Magnus healing Alec’s arm. When he was done, the warlock gently pecked his lips and turned to Jace, he also had some injuries, it was hurting but he didn’t want to heal them with an iratze; he deserved to be in pain, and even worse.

 

“Do you want me to patch you up Jace?” Magnus asked softly.

 

He shook his head and Magnus gave him a sympathetic glare. Why was he so nice? Why were _they_ so nice with him? He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve pity? Why didn’t they hate him now? Why was his parabatai so supportive? He had killed a young boy. No matter if it was an accident or not, the boy was dead, and it was him who had pushed him on the road. He felt his lower lip trembling and tears threatening to fall again. He had destroyed a family, as Sebastian had destroyed theirs the day he killed Max. He had become a monster. He curled on himself, wrapping his arms around his knees for reassurance.

 

“Do you want to shower and go to sleep?” Alec’s low and gentle voice asked.

“I think I’ll just go to sleep.” He answered weakly getting up.

 

He moved slowly to the spare room, feeling his heart tightening when he passed before his nephew’s bedroom. How could he be a good uncle if he killed people? He took of his shirt and pants, and put the ones Alec lent him. Wrapping himself in the cold sheets, he cried himself to sleep with guilty and burning tears.

 

***

 

“Will he be okay?” Alec asked worriedly to Magnus.

“Oh sweetheart…” Magnus said taking him in his arms. “As for now, he won’t, but we can help him to get better.” He put his hand on Alec’s cheek and the shadowhunter leant in the touch. “It will take a long time but we will heal your parabatai heart, we’ll help him to go through this, and when he’ll tell Clary, I’m sure she will help too, and so will everyone.”

“Thank you…”

“Come on honey, you definitely need a shower and a good night of sleep. We’ll figure it out, I promise.”

 

Alec gave his fiancé a small smile and nodded. He let Magnus guiding him to the shower. He also let him taking his clothe off. He loved when Magnus took care of him this way; it was sweet and relaxing. They showered together and washed each others. Magnus magically dried their hair when they went to bed. Alec held the warlock backward, back against chest, and lips on the neck. He closed his eyes and let himself dragged into a restless sleep.

 

***

 

Jace woke up with a scream, early on the morning. Scream which was follow by Max’s cry and Alec bursting in. Jace looked at his parabatai with big wet eyes, all the memories from the night coming back through him. Alec sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on his shoulder. They both stayed silent, until Magnus enter the bedroom too, Max in his arms.

 

“I’m going to make breakfast, do you want to eat anything Jace?”

 

The blond shadowhunter shook his head, feeling more like throwing up than anything. The warlock nodded.

 

“Shace! Shace!”

 

Magnus let the toddler down and the tired young blue boy struggled but walk to his uncle, happily raising his arms to him. After a second of hesitation and a gentle encouraging smile from his parabatai, Jace obliged and took his nephew into his arms. Max hugged him and he hugged back, closing his eyes.

 

“Hey Maxie… I’m sorry I woke you…”

“He would have waked up soon anyway, so don’t worry too much.” Alec said before gently pinching his son’s cheek. “No hello to daddy?” He pouted playfully and Jace felt Max laughing, his tiny arms tightening around him.

 

The blue warlock ended up letting go to hug Alec. It was incredible how affectionate he was.

 

“Are you going to be okay to go home today?” Alec asked softly.

 

And Jace didn’t give any answer, looking down at his hands.

 

***

 

When her husband went back home, Clary jumped into his arms. She had been quite upset at first when she had learnt he was going to sleep at Magnus and Alec’s, even more since he wasn’t the one calling. But she had passed through that already and had been waiting impatiently for him. She had painted a portrait of them and couldn’t wait to show him; so much that she didn’t let him speak or taking his gear of, grabbing his arm and dragging him to her studio. She stopped him in front of the painting and pointed at it proudly.

 

“I told you I’ll finish it!”

“Yeah, it’s beautiful.”

 

She frowned. Jace seemed sincere but somehow…There was something off with him. He was stiffed and his voice didn’t show any emotion.

 

“Sunshine, are you ok?”

“Yeah. Good job Clary. I’m going to make some coffee. Do you want some?”

 

He then stepped back and left the room, without even waiting for her answer. Astonished, she didn’t even call him back, she didn’t even follow him. She was in awe and not a good one. What the Hell was wrong with him? When she finally decided to join him in the kitchen, he was staring blankly at the coffee machine. It looked like he hadn’t even start making it. Clary didn’t understand, did something happen last night? Did he have an awful fight with his parabatai this morning? No matter what it was, he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. She sighed slightly and went to hug him backward.

 

“You know that no matter how hard you look at this machine, the coffee will not appear by itself right?”

 

***

 

Jace had thought he could acted like nothing had happened in front of Clary but he just couldn’t. He was just eaten up by guilt. He had looked at the newspaper. The boy’s name was Thomas. He was ten, barely a year older than Max when he died. The funerals were in two days and Jace felt like crying. He wanted to go, he wanted to say everyone it was his fault and getting locked up for murdering an innocent child. He put his face in his hands and exhaled deeply.

 

“Do you want to talk about it, now?” Clary’s soft voice said.

“I’m fine, just tired.” He said shaking his head. “Very, very tired…” He added taking her in his arms and resting his head on her shoulder.

“Okay… Whenever you feel ready, I’ll be there to listen to you.”

“There is nothing to talk about.” He answered in a defensive tone.

 

He felt bad to reject her like that, but she couldn’t know. She will never forgive him. She will leave him and she will never love him again. He held her a bit tighter.

 

“I love you, Clary.” He whispered in her ear.

 

***

 

Alec was pacing in the living room, Magnus, on the couch, was following him with his eyes and Max was following him like it was some kind of game. But the warlock knew it wasn’t a game, the shadowhunter was worried for his parabatai and the tension was pouring out of his body like a flood.

 

“Alec, please stop pacing, I beg you; it’s driving me crazy.” Magnus eventually ended up saying.

 

Alec stopped look at him and started pacing again.

 

“I can’t stop, Magnus, if I do I might call him to be sure he isn’t crying again.”

“Oh _Alexander,_ ” the warlock sighed getting up.

 

He grabbed his fiancé arm and dragged him into a sweet embrace.

 

“I think you shall call him, just to remind him that it was an accident and he isn’t a monster. I know how he feels…And he definitely needs that.”

“You… You know?”

“Yeah… Believe me, when you live for four centuries and your life started in 1600, you can’t escape that.” He passed his hand on Alec’s hair. “So many wars, mundanes ones, downworlders ones, shadow world ones… It’s inevitable.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through this Love…”Alec murmured, his blue eyes shining with affection and compassion. “I hope it won’t happen to you again…”

“I hope it will never happen to you… Now go, call your parabatai.”

 

The shadowhunter nodded and took his phone. Magnus picked up their son. He really hoped Jace would be able to open up to his wife. He will need her love to heal, that was for sure.

 


	2. Guilt

Alec had agreed to come with Jace to the funeral. They went glamoured and stayed at the back. Jace had never been so glad to have his brother holding him. Seeing what he had done to the family of Thomas broke him even more, if it was possible. He felt like screaming but somehow, Alec’s hand on his shoulder eased the feeling and his self-control. When he started crying on the graveyard, Alec hugged him, whispering that it wasn’t his fault… Then why did he feel so guilty? Why was his world falling apart?

 

“Let’s go, Jace.” Alec said gently.

 

But Jace felt like his feet were glued to the ground. He shook his head.

 

“Go. I’ll stay.”

 

His parabatai’s eyes were filled with worry.

 

“I won’t do anything stupid…I promise…Go, I”ll be better alone anyway.”

 

Alec hesitated, but left, giving him a last sympathetic glare.

 

***

 

Clary couldn’t possibly understand what was happening. Jace hadn’t been himself for a week now and he spent his days training. That’s what he said, but she hardly saw him there anymore. He didn’t go on missions either, doing some desk job with Alec. He barely talked at home and woke up several times in the night, screaming. He wouldn’t tell him his nightmares; he’d only curl on himself, saying he is ok. Sometimes, she could hear him whimpering and crying when he thought she was asleep. He was drifting away from her and it scared her.

She sighed and looked at the clock. It was nearly three am and he still wasn’t home. She was growing utterly worried. She had tried to call him again and again but she couldn’t reach him. She was on verge of tears when, half an hour later, she tried to call Alec. When she didn’t know where he was, Alec knew.

 

“Hello?” Alec’s sleepy voice answered at the third time she called.

“Alec, do you know where Jace is? He hasn’t come home, and-“

“Wait.” Alec said way more awake now. “He hasn’t come home?”

“Please tell me you know where he is…I don’t know what’s happening but… He is scaring me these days…” She sobbed out.

“Clary…”

“I’m loosing him Alec, I don’t know why, but I’m loosing him…”

 

***

 

Why had he come back there? Jace looked at the road, now so clean, so normal. And the cars, the taxis and the buses were passing like nothing had happened. But something had happened. A tragedy had hit a whole family a week ago. And it was his fault. People said that criminal always went back to the crime scene. That what he was; a criminal, a murderer. And it hurt. It was so painful it was taking his breath away. The scene replaying again before his eyes, he was watching himself jumping to the kid and pushing him on the road, on the _road_. How could he have been so careless, so stupid? How could he have not seen it? He bite his lips so strong he felt blood in his mouth.

 

“Jace!” He suddenly heard, now he was hearing again Alec’s scream wasn’t he?

 

He turned to see his parabatai, followed by Magnus running to him. He wanted to run away. Why were there here? How did they know? Alec stopped when he arrived near him.

 

“Jace…”

“Leave me alone!”

“Clary is worried Jace, you should go home…”

“I can’t, Alec.” He answered rudely.

“Jace, we are here for you, and she will be to if you tell her…”

“I CAN’T ALEC! How do I have to tell you?! In which language?! Tell me Alec! Because I can’t stand you telling me it wasn’t my fault when it obviously was! I can’t stand it anymore… Please… Leave me alone.”

“No.”

 

His eyes locked on Alec’s determined ones.

 

“I can’t possibly leave you like that, Jace. You’re my parabatai, you are closer than blood. You’re my best friend and my brother, Jace; I won’t give up on you.”

 

Jace closed his eyes tightly and let Alec and Magnus guided him. When he arrived to the loft, Clary was there. She looked worried and tired. She walked fast to him and embraced him.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jace said.

 

They all sat on the couch, and Magnus summoned some hot chocolate. Both Alec and him sending Jace encouraging glares so he would tell everything to Clary, but the blond shadowhunter stayed silent.

 

“Jace please talk to me…” She eventually said.

“I can’t.” He said shaking his head. “I’m sorry Clary but I can’t.”

 

***

 

If Clary had, at first, respected Jace’s silence, it was harder and harder to live without knowing. Jace was still waking up in the middle of the night, screaming, and he sometimes disappeared and Alec and Magnus were always the one bringing him back. There was barely any communication between them anymore. He was there without being here; she would rather fight with him. She would prefer them yelling at each others for anything than that heavy silence, anything but the quiet. As much as it hurt, she knew that this situation was putting their wedding in danger. She loved him. She loved him with all her heart, but she couldn’t handle it anymore. She needed her husband back or no husband at all. Biting her lower lips, she took the picture frame in her hands and look at the photograph. She remembered perfectly the day they had taken the picture. It was few years ago, they were on an afternoon date and out of the blue, Jace had asked what a selfie was. She had been happy to explain to him and the concept had pleased him, so much that they had spend a good part of their time taking picture together. They had framed their favourite: Jace was smiling brightly and Clary was kissing his cheek, only one eye closed as if she was winking at the camera. She loved how Jace, despite being serious about work and cocky also had a goofy side. It was her favourite side of him, when he would play stupid and smile so brightly at her. It was the reason why she was always calling him “Sunshine”. It had been almost one month since both the goofy and cocky side had disappeared and she missed it more than anything. All at been replaced by a silent and hurting man, someone who looked sad all the time and who had lost all confidence, someone she couldn’t even recognize. No more innuendo or stupid jokes. No more sassiness or sarcastic remarks. No more playful gesture and goofy smiles. No more smile _at all_. Jace was like a ghost, cold and sad. If only he would talk to her…

 

***

 

Things were going down everywhere and with everyone for Jace. Isabelle was angry at him for keeping secret from her and was also utterly worried which had led to an ugly fight in which he had break down and insulted her before slamming the door. But no matter how much he wanted it, he couldn’t bring himself to ring at her door and say sorry. And because of all of that, Simon wasn’t talking to him anymore. He would have thought he would have been glad for that but he actually missed the nerdy boy. Since he wasn’t doing his job his adoptive parents were starting to put pressure on him and he had snapped reminding them that the Head of the Institute was now Alec, not them. He even had told them to fuck off and they weren’t in speaking terms anymore since then. Living with Clary was maybe the hardest for him though. They hadn’t any dates anymore nor sex life; nothing. He couldn’t look at her in the eyes anymore, he could barely talk to her, barely touch her. He didn’t want to soil her. The only ones he still had some communication with were Alec and Magnus. Because they knew, and they were the only reason why he was still here. The guilt was killing him, but there were the ones who didn’t let him drowning…Sometimes, he wished they would.

He was standing up, before his wife. She was asking for answers, again. And he wouldn’t answer, he wanted her to still love him because…Who would love a murderer?

 

“Please, Jace, talk to me…” Clary begged once more and Jace looked away from her.

“Why, why are you insisting so much?” He asked getting angry.

“Because I love you! I want to be there for you!”

“I will lose you if I tell you!”

“You are losing me anyway!!!” She yelled getting up.

 

He looked at her, astonished. She shook her head and left the room. He fell on the bed and put his head in his hands. He didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

***

 

Magnus welcomed a teary Clary in the loft, he barely said a thing and went to prepare some tea for her after telling Alec, who was bathing Max that the young woman was there, they exchanged a knowing look and sighed. He put the cup on the table before her as she sat on the couch, gripping her jeans’ material. Alec came in the room not long after; he put down Max who walked happily to Clary with his fluffy pyjama. She took the boy on her laps with a sad smile.

 

“Guys…What happened a month ago?”

 

Magnus and Alec’s eyes met; as they thought, Jace still hadn’t told anything to his wife, reducing them to watch the married couple falling apart. But they couldn’t tell her could they? It had to be Jace’s choice…It would be like doing someone else coming out: it would be disrespectful. But Magnus didn’t want to say that to Clary, he knew it could hurt her even more, she will feel rejected and he couldn’t reject her. Alec knew how the warlock felt so he was the one who talked.

 

“Clary… It’s not our place to tell you…I’m sorry.”

“Please…” She begged, tears starting to run down her cheeks.

“Clary,” Alec said softly. “It has to be his choice… I know it’s hard for you, but Magnus and I are trying to help him to open up to you… He thinks you will hate him if he tells you.”

“I could never.” Clary answered shaking her head.

“I know, but you have to show it to him.”

“Yeah, as if he let me.” She spat bitterly.

“Do you want to sleep here, or are you going home?”

“You’re nice Magnus, but I think I’ll call Simon…I don’t know yet.”

“Why don’t you stay here?”

“Magnus, if Jace goes anywhere to talk, where would he go?”

“…Oh, yeah, yeah you’re right.”

“Clary, just don’t forget that Jace loves you, ok?”

 

She nodded to Alec and handed him Max. Alec took him in his arms and they walked her to the door.

 

“We’ll talk to him again.” Magnus suddenly said.

“Really?”

“Really Biscuit, I promise.” He smiled gently.

 

She turned to Alec who nodded and with the smile she gave them, Magnus knew he’ll have to be convincing with the blond shadowhunter.


	3. Pain

It wasn’t a surprise for any of them when Jace rang at the door. Alec honestly wanted to be annoyed by the fact his home was now the refuge of so much drama, everyone went to them to complain about Jace behaviour of Jace went to them because he felt like drowning. It was like Magnus and he had become the psychiatrist of the family. But he couldn’t get angry knowing the events, and his fiancé had promised they’d talk _again_ to Jace, he was just hoping they’ll convince him this time. He went to open the door and said nothing as his parabatai entered. Magnus had prepared some tea again. Alec was thankful to his lover for being so kind and patient… By the Angel he loved him so much already but that just made his love to grow even more.

 

“Max isn’t here?” Jace asked on a tone he wanted to be casual but which really wasn’t.

“He’s with his grandma.” Magnus answered.

“Maryse?”

“She has grown to love him, you know it.” Alec smiled.

 

Jace smiled back to him and sighed, looking at his tea. Alec knew his brother did prefer when Blueberry was there, the boy always brought him some joy and only then Jace smiled truly again.

 

“So… Want to talk about the reason of your visit?” Magnus asked sitting on the red velvet chair next to the couch.

“Clary has been at Izzy and Simon’s for two days now… And…” He pursed his lips before talking again. “I won’t survive if I loose her.”

 

Alec knew what Jace was feeling right now. When Magnus had broken up with him few years ago, he had felt like dying too. When he had almost loose him few months ago, Max would have been the only reason he wouldn’t have kill himself if Magnus had died. He looked sadly at his parabatai, the pain of loosing someone, even though the latter was still alive, was one of the worst feeling ever, combined with the insufferable guilt Jace felt… Alec couldn’t even imagine how hard it must be. All he wanted right now was to wrap his parabatai in a blanket and call Clary to yell at her and make her come back. But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He knew that Jace’s silence was the main reason of Clary’s departure, if the blond shadowhunter wanted his wife back; he had to talk to her, to tell her the truth.

 

***

 

“You have to tell her.” Magnus said.

 

Jace bite his lips and closed his life painfully. He knew Magnus was right, but it was so hard… It hurt so much…

 

“She won’t leave you, Jace, it was an accident, she will understand that, I swear.”

 

He snorted. It was easy to say for Magnus wasn’t it? He glared at the warlock, narrowing his eyes. He didn’t know why but anger was filling him. It was spreading from his heart like a wave. He was feeling it physically and it almost hurt. He clenched his fist and gritted his teeth.

 

“I agree with Magnus, Jace.”

“Of course you are.” He snapped coolly.

“Jace this isn’t against you, it’s for you.”

“Really? Is it, Alec? Because this is not how it feel.”

“Jace, come on wake up!” Alec was getting pissed and both of them got up. “Don’t be so stubborn, she needs to know and you need to tell her! I know you’re in pain but so is she now! You’re hurting her by your silence!”

“Oh yeah, because she will feel so much better knowing that I killed a kid.”

 

Alec shook his head and glared at him, anger was flittering like a cold blue fire in his eyes and Jace glared back with a hot golden fire.

 

“I can’t be there anymore. I better go and take a walk to calm down. Magnus, please make him see reason because clearly, I can’t.”

“Alexan-“

“Don’t insist, Magnus…”

“Yeah, flee, as always.” Jace darted.

 

Alec shook his head again and went out, slamming the door. It was hard to make Alec that angry but somehow he just had managed to do it. His parabatai had been patient with him until now; he had showed him his support and his moods and everything. Even when he was unfair to him, Alec hadn’t gone away from him. Alec had always been this reassuring presence near Jace, this amazing warm around him. Every time they fought it was like storm raging in his brain, messing every of his thoughts, but these storms calmed down pretty quickly. But this fight, was different, it felt like loosing his parabatai forever. After everything, he felt he was loosing everyone and loosing his wife and Alec was his worst nightmare coming to life. He pursed his lips, fighting tears. Now, everyone hated him. Magnus was probably going to throw him out.

 

“Jace…” Magnus’ voice was soft and gentle.

“Why aren’t you yelling?”

“Why would I be? I mean, I can if you want but I’m not sure it will take us anywhere.”

“It’s not like you could understand.” He answered bitterly.

“Oh but I do.”

 

He looked up and locked his eyes with the warlock’s cat-eyes and for the first time he saw it, Magnus old age, all the pain he had suffered from in his life, all the experiences he had lived, everything he used to ignore. He realised that, indeed, the warlock had without a doubt lived the same experience as he, and multiple times. Magnus’ wise eyes were full of compassion and history and determination. For the first time, Jace understood Alec’s love for the warlock’s eyes, they were amazing and they reassured him oh…so much.

 

***

 

Magnus waited for Jace to be fully attentive before talking again. He told him about his own experiences, this man he had killed when he couldn’t handle his powers well. All the guilty feelings that had eat him from the inside when he had discovered that this man had a wife and five children. The fear of being a monster and only a monster as his mother and father had seen him. He explained how long it had take before accepted that it was an accident. He wasn’t even ten after all. It was the first time it happened to him. He saw in the young man before him that the latter wasn’t convinced that he could relate and before he could interrupt him, Magnus held a finger, imposing silence.

 

“I did kill a kid by, we can say ‘accident’, too, Jace.” And the memory was still vivid.

 

Magnus had to shut his eyes for few seconds before telling Jace; if he knew and admitted it was an accident and it wasn’t his fault, the pain was still there, like a burn.

 

“It was when I was still with Camille.” He said bitterly. “A rogue werewolf, newly made, had kidnapped his daughter. But he didn’t quite control himself yet and I had to find her back so he won’t harm her. Camille told me that once I found her, I could bring her back to the apartment we shared at the time, just until we found her mother and brother back.” He sighed. “And I did. I found the young girl and brought her to Camille.” He said and Jace gasped, knowing what will go next. “I went to find her family the day after. I didn’t kill her dad, you must know, I indicated to him where the pack was so they could help him. Anyway…When I went back to the apartment at night, there was blood on the floor, not much, but I prayed hard for it not to be what I thought it was.”

“But it was, wasn’t it?” Jace asked in a whisper.

“Indeed.” Magnus answered regrets clear on his voice. “Camille had…She had drained the girl from all her blood.” He paused. “Then she proceeded to tell me it was my fault, that I shouldn’t have tempted her, that…I had to assume the consequences. So I took the blame. Guilt was burning me.”

“But it wasn’t-“

“My fault?” Magnus completed with a bitter smile. “No it wasn’t, not really.”

“It’s different from me; I pushed him on the road.”

“You did, but it’s not different from what I experienced.”

“How?”

“You tried to protect him; you pushed him so the demon wouldn’t kill him, as I pushed the girl right into Camille cruelty thinking I will protect her from her dad. You just pushed him on the wrong side of the road as I took her to the wrong person.”

 

Jace was looking at him, his mouth opened and tears in his eyes. Magnus gave him a compassionate smile and put his hand on the shadowhunter shoulder.

 

“It was an accident; no one will hate you for that.”

 

And from the look in his eyes, Magnus knew he now understood.

 

***

 

It was a weird feeling to realize that what Alec and Magnus had told him before was the actual truth, it was even weirder to relate with the warlock. But how to repair what he had now broke: his relation with his wife, his parabatai, his sister and his brother in law? He pursed his lips and looked down.

 

“How did you get through it? How did you get the pain away from you?”

“My friends, Ragnor and Catarina were a great help… As for the pain…It never leaves completely, it’s like a scar, but you learn to live with it.”

“Do I still have friends?” He asked weakly.

“Contrary to popular belief, I think we are friends Jace, as for the others, if you talk to them, they’ll understand you, and they’ll forgive you, I can assure you that, Jace.”

 

He wanted to believe him; he wanted it oh so much. But somehow, he couldn’t. Where would he find the strength to call his wife or to go at Izzy’s door? How will he built up the courage to tell the truth? How could he bring the pieces back together? Jace felt powerless. Everything had fell down, breaking in thousands of tiny little pieces and now, it all seemed irreparable.

 

“I’m a wreck.” He blurted out.

“But aren’t we all, my dear?”

 

He looked up again, staring again at those mesmerizing cat-eyes. Maybe the warlock was right after all. Maybe he could allow himself to hope for the best.

 


	4. Forgiveness

 

When Magnus called him, Alec was still angry at Jace and the conversation with his fiancé had been tensed, but, eventually, the blue-eyed shadowhunter listened to the warlock. He had calmed down fast after that. He was a bit sad that he hadn’t been the once convincing him to tell the truth to the others and accept that it was accident. Alec felt like he had failed in his parabatai’s role. It was him who was supposed to be there for the blond shadowhunter, he was the one supposed to support him no matter what and to help him going through everything. The frustration was immense but he was still thankful to Magnus. Magnus had saved Jace from himself and it was amazing. The warlock asked him to come back home and he obliged. He needed to talk with Jace and to thank his fiancé, for everything.

When he arrived, Jace who was in the couch stood up immediately and showered him with apologies, making Alec’s heart ache; he shouldn’t have leave like that. He knew that the experience had changed his parabatai, made him fragile…Yet he had left the loft, screaming at him, scaring him. He took the blond man in his arms and hugged him tightly. Never had he hugged Jace that often. None of them was usually, at the exception of when they were with their significant others, so affectionate, not in this way. But recently, it had been needed.

 

“I’m the one who’s sorry, I let myself being carried away by the frustration, I’m sorry Jace. I shouldn’t have leaved you.”

 

Jace shook his head and Alec knew his brother thought he was the guilty one; because he hadn’t listened to them. Alec patted Jace back and waited until the latter decided to break the hug. For experience, he had understood that if someone was hurt or sad, it was better to wait for them to break the hug, so they would feel rejected. When Jace stepped away from him and went back on the sofa, Alec sat near him.

 

“Jace, I know it hurts, but you’ll get through this and I’ll be there until it gets better and even after, do you understand that?”

 

Jace nodded and Alec smiled.

 

“Great. So, what do we do now?”

“I…I don’t want to tell them…Alone.”

“Okay…”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay Jace… Do you want us to call them and make them come to the loft? We’ll be there, and we’ll support you.” Alec said softly.

 

Jace nodded again, wiping the tears in his eyes.

 

***

 

Izzy wasn’t expecting any calls; almost nobody called on the fixed phone, ever. Maybe Simon’s family sometimes but they mostly called on her boyfriend’s cell phone. That’s why she let Simon answered, though she jumped on her feet when she heard that it was Alec and took the phone of her boyfriend’s hand gaining an eye roll to which she smirked.

 

“Big brother!”

“Hey Isabelle, how are you doing?”

“I’m okay I guess, Simon and I are trying to take care of Clary because… You know…”

“Yeah, about that, I talked to Jace; he agrees to open up to you. But you should come to the loft, he can’t do this alone, he’s so scared about Clary’s reaction…”

“Is it… Is it that bad?”

“Somehow…yeah, we can say it is.”

“I will ask Clary and Simon, if we come in around two hours is that okay? I will text you to confirm.”

“Yeah, it works for us.”

 

They hanged up on this and Izzy stayed before the phone few minutes before coming back to the others. She was truly wondering what had happened to Jace, she only knew it was bad, very bad. Bad enough for him to push everyone away, that was usually Alec’s thing, not Jace’s; that was why she was even more worried though last time they talked she had screamed at him. She felt bad about it but hadn’t had the courage to call him to apology. She must have paled a bit because Clary and Simon both stood up asking if she was okay.

 

“Jace is ready to talk to us, we are invited and Alec and Magnus’ loft in two hours.” She said and it was Clary’s turn to pale.

 

***

 

Clary had wanted to say that it was too late now, that she had been too patient already and didn’t care anymore, that she had suffered too much because of this and didn’t want to see her husband anymore. She wanted it so badly, because that would prove she is strong and independent, that she doesn’t need him, doesn’t need love. But this was wrong; she couldn’t. She knew it wasn’t too late and that she would have been even more patient because she cared. She cared oh so much no matter how much she would suffer, she will always care about Jace, she will never give up on him and she will always want to see him. She needed him and his love, but she was still angry, angry and disappointed. He hadn’t trust her, and that thought hurt her, a lot.

She was nervous when they arrived at the loft; she was fidgeting with her fingers and chewing the inside on her cheeks. Clary didn’t know if she’ll keep her calm, but she knew she’ll need to. She inhaled deeply as Isabelle rang the bell and exhaled when Magnus opened the door.

 

“Hey lovelies, hey Sammy,” he smiled letting them enter. “I summoned some expensive tea and Alec and Jace are in the living room.”

 

Clary hugged him briefly to give herself some courage.

In the living room, if Alec stood up to say hello, Jace stayed on the sofa, head down. He looked so sad, so fragile, his brows were furrowed and his jaw clenched as if he was fighting some kind of pain. All Clary’s anger fell and she just wanted to rush to him and hug him endlessly. She refrained herself and sat not far from him as Alec regained his place next to the blond man. Jace did something she didn’t expect; he took Alec’s hand and held it tightly as if he needed to borrow strength from his parabatai.

 

“I’m… I’m sorry.” He started, and his voice, full of tears, broke her heart. “I’m sorry I hide something like this from you all… Please… Please don’t hate me…”

 

Never had she heard him beg before and she felt her heart drop in her stomach. She didn’t no what this was all about but she was even more sure now that it had changed him forever and it was scary.

 

“I could never hate you.” She answered softly.

 

He looked up for the first time. His golden eyes were red and puffy, she gulped, her throat tightening.

 

“Even if I tell you there was a… An accident and… And…” He held Alec’s hand tighter. “I killed a kid.”

 

Everyone, except Magnus and Alec gasped and thoughts started swimming into her head. What had happened? How something that horrible could have happen? She couldn’t even imagine how hard it must have been for her husband, keeping that to himself, guilt invading him. It was an accident but she knew Jace, he took the responsibility and it tortured him. She understood his fear to be hated. How hurtful it must have been… She didn’t refrained herself this time and rushed to hug him.

 

***

 

He had expected screams, anger, blame, hatred, but certainly not a hug from his wife. He let go Alec’s hand and hugged Clary back. It had only been a few days but he had missed her so much, ate by the fear that she will never come back to him. He now understood better what Alec must have felt when Magnus had been in a coma for more than two months. He let himself burst into tears, holding her close, burying his head on the crook of her neck.

 

‘By the Angel, Jace, how could I hate you?” She whispered. “It was an accident… And it must have been so hard for you… Angel, Jace, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to hold you…”

“I didn’t let you.” He sobbed.

“I’m still sorry Sunshine… I’m still so sorry…”

 

She broke the embrace to hold his face and kissed his forehead. There was so much affection, so much tenderness, and so much love in the gesture that he could only cry more and embrace her, keeping her as close as possible.

 

“Jace,” said Isabelle’s warm and soft voice, “none of us are hating on you, and I forgive and understand you silence, I’m not sure I could have say it either. But now that you did, you don’t have to be afraid of losing us anymore because you won’t. And you will get through that, Jace, I promise.”

“Yeah, even Captain America does mistakes, you shall know that.” Simon added and it made him laughed briefly.

 

No one hated him. How? How was it even possible? They all looked shaken but none of them held something near anger or hatred in their eyes. It was all about love, compassion and friendship. What had he done to deserve such a family? For the first time in weeks, he felt blessed, so blessed he couldn’t say anything and God know how much he wanted to say thank you and hug them all. With them, he will find enough strength to forgive himself, he was sure about it now, no matter how long it will take, with them, he will survive.

 

***

 

Alec felt Jace’s relief and couldn’t help a smile as he rested his head on Magnus’ shoulder. The warlock embraced his shoulder and caressed his arm lightly; he sometimes gently let some magic out, sending warm wave into the shadowhunter’s body. Alec loved when he did that.

Alec closed his eyes an instant and when he opened them, Izzy was hugging Jace, soothing him. It reminded him when Jace had came into their family for the first time, how much Izzy had hope she would take her of him, and her disappointment when Jace had appeared to be strong, independent and didn’t seems to need her comfort. Alec knew the young boy needed it but wouldn’t let it appear. Seeing his parabatai crying his heart out and letting himself be comforting showed that he had matured. He watched Simon approaching to hug him next and as Jace accepted it –at Simon’s delight- Alec claimed a kiss from his fiancé.

When explanations were done and when Jace stopped crying, Magnus changed the tea for hot chocolate with marshmallow and they all put a movie. They were all in the couch, tighten one against the others, but it felt great. It wasn’t something they usually did; it wasn’t like everything was back to the normal. It was just something comforting they all needed right now, the room was filled by love and nothing else counted.

 


	5. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!  
> Next week, for the series, I promise you some fluff!

Jace and Clary’s house always felt home for the blond shadowhunter but never had it felt more like it than when he got back there with Clary this evening. It was like rebirth. They still needed to discuss some things but right now, both of them just wanted to sleep close to each others. He still woke up from nightmares during the night but his wife was there to comfort him with her love.

On the morning, he woke up to the smell of pancakes and got up immediately to join Clary. She welcomed him with a smile and he gave a small one back to her.

 

“Morning Sunshine,” she said and Jace was scared for an instant she will act like nothing had ever happen.

“Morning sweetheart…”

“Here, eat some pancakes, it’s good for the mood and a sweet remedy against nightmares…”

“Thank you Clary, you’re an Angel.”

“You know, if you want to talk about your nightmares… you can talk to me…”

 

He looked up and locked their eyes. She seemed sad and her eyes were begging for him to talk to her. He got it then; she thought he didn’t trust her, because he had hide the accident from her, she thought he hadn’t faith in her. But he did trust her; he did trust her with his life… How to explain to her that he had been scared of losing her because how guilty he felt? Because he thought that everyone would blame him as much as he blamed himself? How to explain that it wasn’t a trust issue but some crazy logic that had come to his mind? How to make her understand that back then since he couldn’t accept that it was accident he had convinced himself that no one would?

 

“Clary, I trust you please believe me, I would trust you with my life.”

“Then why?” She asked looking away. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Because… Because I was blaming myself so much I told myself no one could accept what I did.”

“But-“

“Alec was there when it happened and I couldn’t believe his words.”

“And-“

“Alec had told Magnus when he got near the alley to portal us to the loft; I didn’t believe him either, even though his and Alec’s words probably saved me.”

 

She closed her mouth and sat before him, taking some pancakes for herself and they ate their breakfast in silence.

 

***

 

“I dreamt about the accident.” Jace revealed after breakfast.

 

Clary tilted her head; she had almost given up on him talking about his nightmare so she didn’t know if he was forcing himself or not. It worried her; she didn’t want him to feel obliged. The ginger woman pursed her lips a little and put the dishes back on the sink with a sigh before turning to him.

 

“You don’t have to…”

“I see myself back on that road, pushing this child on the road, thinking I’m saving him when the truth is I’m killing him. But I don’t kill the demon in my nightmare… It’s laughing at me and telling me I did a good job and that I can join him now and be a demon myself…”

 

Her heart ached as Jace spoke, there was so much hatred for himself in his voice. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply; she wanted to protect him from all harms, physically as much as mentally. She wanted to put all these nightmares away and replace them by nice and sweet dreams. But seeing him speaking about himself as a monster held back too many painful memories.

 

“Jace,” she said opening her eyes again, “you’re not a demon, you’re not a monster; you are more angel than any of us and you know it.”

“Then maybe I’m just a fallen, broken angel.”

“We are all at least a bit broken Jace, that doesn’t make monster of us.”

 

He tried to smile to her but she wasn’t convinced. It will take time before he forgives himself, she knew it, but she will do her best to help; to get her sunshine back. She walked to him and kissed his forehead then his lips.

 

“I love you, Jace.”

“I love you too, Clary.”

 

***

 

Just like that, Jace had started to tell his nightmares to his wife. As the days passed, he detailed them more and more, throwing the weigh out of his chest. And she listened; she hugged him and soothed him gently, telling him the words he needed to hear. He didn’t really believe them yet, but they were warm and felt good. But he still couldn’t go on missions; every time he had tried, he had ended up having a panic attack. Every time he was on a mission the scene was playing again, so vivid. He was so scared of making the same mistake, killing someone again, accident or not, that couldn’t happen again.

 

“Jace, are you coming tonight?” Clary asked softly.

“I can’t.” He said shaking his head.

“Sunshine… You can’t always run aw-“

“I’m _not_ running away, Clary.” He spat. “I’m avoiding killing someone again. I’m _sparing_ families.”

 

He didn’t look up at her. He knew she was hurt by his words. He sighed deeply and took her hand, starting to play with her fingers.

 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I’m just not ready… It’s… It’s still too much for me.”

“Okay…”

 

He kissed her hand and pulled her in his arms. She kissed his temple and rested her head on his shoulder, her free hand stroking his back.

 

“You have to forgive yourself, Sunshine… We are here to help you but this is not something I or anyone can do for you…”

 

***

 

“I want to meet the mother.”

 

That was the first thing Jace had said to her on this cold morning. It had been one more week, one long week since Jace had told everyone what had happened. They had talked, but not as much as she wished they had. It was already something though, and not an easy subject to bring.

She looked at him with wide eyes and he repeated, as if she hadn’t heard him. But the truth was that the idea scared her. What if Jace broke and told the woman about the Shadow World? What if he told her he killed her son?

 

“I need it. Please.”

 

She sighed. How could she say no in these conditions? And maybe Jace was right; maybe it would help him to cope with the guilt… She nodded slightly.

It wasn’t hard to find the woman’s address, it had been leaked, and when later on the morning Jace and Clary arrived in front of the door, there still was a lot of flowers, teddy bears and melted candles in front of the house. They stayed here for a long moment before Jace being able to actually ring the door. So long that Clary had started thinking that they will go back home without meeting Thomas’ mother.

 

***

 

She expected no visits. Not since her son died. She had divorced two years ago and had won the full custody.  She had ignored every call and had just answered to her family that she wanted to mourn alone, with her memories. So when the bell rang she hesitated few seconds before opening the door and was surprised to face a blond man accompanied by a ginger woman. Her eyes fell on their linked hands, a couple; what did they want? 

 

“Hi… Mrs Anderson… I’m Clary, and this is Jace.” The redhead said. “Can we enter a moment and talk with you please? We aren’t from the police neither are we journalist… It’s quite important though…”

 

There was something about the redhead that made her trust them. Without a word, she let them in.

 

“Would you want some tea? Coffee?”

“Just some water, thank you, mrs-“

“Please call me Julia”

 

She brought three glass of water and they all sat on the living room. Julia looked at them, waiting. She was a pretty woman, with strong Hispanic traits. Her honey like skin and dark eyes gave her a soft look.

 

“I’m sorry.” Started Jace, the blond man. “I needed to talk with you… My…My little brother, Max, he has been killed few years ago, he was your son’s age… And-“ The man stopped abruptly, tears had started to flow on his cheeks. He inhaled deeply. “I couldn’t protect him,” he sobbed. “I tried but… It feels like I killed him…”

 

Her heart broke even more than it was already. The young man in front of her seemed so desperate, in search of some support, of something to hang on to not drown… She could almost see herself in him.

 

“Jace… Jace is it right?” her lips twitched in a quick smile when he nodded. “I also feel guilty… Like… Maybe if I had been closer to him I would have been able to prevent my son from falling on the road, or maybe I would be able to pull him out fast enough…” Tears were now burning her eyes too. “But you know… We can’t always save people; I’m a surgeon so I know…Sometimes…Sometime shit happens.” She said her voice breaking. “Sometimes, we just fail and the person we try to protect from death… die anyway… It’s the same for family… We can’t prevent accidents… We just can’t…”

 

There was a long silence before the young man got up and hugged her. And they were both crying and it felt that the words she had said to him to comfort him was the ones both of them needed; Julia felt like some weigh was out of her chest. She was crying, and she was still sad, but she felt better, even if it was only a little bit, she felt better and she blessed this young couple to have come to her door.

 

***

 

Though the meeting with Thomas mother had did him some good, it took him a full year to –almost- completely forgive himself. The morning he realised he was ready to turn the page, to let the scar heal, the day he decided to transform the pain of the scar as a strength, as something that allowed him to grow, to be more careful and more aware of his surrounding, he went to buy a rose.

He went alone to the cemetery, in front of the grave; he kneeled and put the rose on the cold stone.

 

“I’m so sorry, Thomas.” He whispered softly. “You didn’t deserve this; you deserved to stay that happy kid, running on the sidewalk, with your beautiful and incredibly gentle mother. I’m so sorry it turned out this way, I’m sure you now know I was just trying to protect you. That’s my job you know? ‘Kill the demons, protect the mundanes’ but obviously, it doesn’t always work this way. I’m so sorry it’s on you it happened. Would have been better to be on some asshole eh?” He gently caressed the name graved on the stone. “You were an awesome boy, I’m sure. You’re probably friend with Max now, right? Max would have like you I’m sure. Max liked everyone. Has he told you about his favourite manga? I bet he has.” He smiled lightly. “Say I to him please, tell him that his brother Jace loves and misses him… Good bye Thomas, I might come back later, if you don’t mind my company…”

 

Once he was home that night, he felt light. He told Clary he went to the cemetery, he told her he had learnt to forgive himself, thanks to Alec, Magnus, Julia and her. And when he went to sleep that night, there were no more nightmares.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos (and comments) are lovely <3


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